I’m alive! Kind of.

I said I wouldn’t abandoned this, but I got sidetracked by a book and life and everything kind of piled up and I feel like a heel and I apologize.

But, it’s been the day from hell and since I don’t feel like digging out a notebook, I figured I’d hop on here for old time’s sake.

And give it a go.

Remember when I said that I hate moving and it makes me feel like someone lit me on fire, threw me into a hamster ball, and sent me down a hill?

Well we’re moving. Again.

But this time it’s not a little rinky dink across town move, this time it’s 3.5 hours away to a state that I haven’t been to in years for a brand spanking new shiny job that I’m so excited and terrified and oh god are the walls closing in? I feel like I’m going to puke.

That’s the kind of move I’m doing.

I’m going to use this time to rant and rave, but also be thankful. I apologize if this is a clusterfuck (whoop! There goes my potty mouth) of run-on sentences and nonsense. I have slept for about twenty minutes in the past week and I feel as if all the hair on my head is going to fall out at any moment.

Seriously, I’m molting like a parrot.

I got offered a new shiny position because apparently I’ve proven my worth and I’m some sort of visual merchandising managerial expert and people have a lot of faith in me. Neat! No pressure. So I kind of went for it and somehow crash landed into the spot. When you’re offered a promotion you go through stages. At first you’re really nervous that you didn’t get it, then when you get it you’re really relieved and elated! Yayy! You did it! Then the nerves kick in again and your catapulted back into that feeling I assumed one would get on the first day at a new school (I wouldn’t know, I went to the same school from Kindergarten up until my senior year)

“Oh god what if I’m awful and nobody likes me? ….At least I have my sense of humor.”

I’m nervous for so many reasons. It’s a new town, a new position, a new team, a different way of life, and I’m doing it all rather quickly. I’m a very routine based person, I like things orderly and how they should go, which you would never have been able to tell with how my locker looked in school (think Doctor Frankenstein meets an earlier episode of Hoarders). Naturally, the thought of moving 3.5 hours away in a very short period of time sent me into a tailspin which resulted in me crying for a solid 8 hours.

I’m a pro when it comes to irrational thinking and sobbing for no reason.

Then I called my mom, who is the single hardest working person I know, and I spoke with her for a few minutes (okay I babbled at about 75 mph. Another unique trait of mine.) she assured me that I would be fine, and that all I needed to do was breathe.

And she’s right.

I get in these ruts sometimes where I feel like a disappointment. I guess it’s natural at my age. I feel like my mom has worked hard only to have me not excel like I imagined I would. Then again, maybe I have excelled…just in a way I never thought I would. I never imagined I’d love retail management as much as I do, or that I’d be as good at it as I am, and it took me by surprise. Of course, I’m still cranking away on this novel of mine just in case, but still….I enjoy my day job which I guess means a lot. My mother is good at reminding me to breathe, and reminding me that it’ll all be okay.

I haven’t always been the best kid, I was awful there for awhile actually, and it took me a long time to realize it. Kids, don’t ever think your mom is your enemy because she’s not. She’ll always be in your corner even when you don’t deserve it. The biggest lesson she’s ever taught me is to breathe. Sometimes there are things and circumstances you can’t control (like typing an account number wrong for a very important paycheck….just as a hypothetical example), but if you breathe and stay grounded there is nothing you can’t achieve. Take a deep breath you’ll be okay.

When I was little I lived for these cassette tapes Id get for Christmas. They were filled with stories, just nonsensical stories, like about this girl who found a magic house in the woods, but they always seemed to calm me down and help me sleep. As I stare at the clock now I can’t help but think of them and how much they’d help me right now. I can hear my mom say, “Just relax kid, you’ll be okay.”

I hope so.

Part of me feels terrified to move, the other part of me feels excited and ready for a new chapter. Still, through it all I feel like it’s the right thing.

And I kind of feel proud of myself.

I never wanted to stick around southern indiana, I wanted to be closer to a big city where I had some more culture. Maybe join a community theatre, stretch my acting muscles that have been dormant for too long. Maybe now I’ll be awarded that chance.

I was going to list all the things you should do to prepare to move. Mentally that is. Physically it’s basically “1. Throw everything away and start over.” But I guess, like always, my mother has it right. There’s only one thing on that list.

Just take a deep breath.

I’ve been thrown some curveballs, put myself in horrible situations, had accidents, lost people and things, but for once I feel like I’m bettering things. That I’m on the right path.

All I need to do is breathe.

And maybe chug a couple bottles of wine. Thank you to my best girl friend who left part of a bottle in my fridge. Score.

I’m hoping that when I get to Missouri (yep! That’s where I’m heading. Ding ding!) I’ll relax more. I’ll be able to explore more and write more. Once the holidays are over at work, that is.

In retail, Christmas season means a whole other ball game.

I’m also not looking forward to a 3.5 hour drive with two cats (one who only loves me on rare occasion, the other who is completely obsessed with me), and a neurotic pitbull who is currently wondering where all of his toys are.

This was a really random post. I guess I needed to get it out on the page. I feel like I’m drowning, but I’ll be okay. Whenever you feel like that just remember.

Breathe and you’ll be okay.

And always listen to your mother.

Until next time.
From another state entirely!
xoxo,
Jillie